Rumproast: the Eightfold Path

rumproast-blue-rainThis afternoon as I was pondering the eightfold path of Rumproast, I was having a hard time getting up to eight. Then one of the Rumpsters claimed (incorrectly) I had called him an Obot and ran off in a snit. Suddenly I realized I now had all eight parts of the spiritual journey of the Rumpster. Here it is:

1. When in doubt, shout “epic fail”.

2. Pretend to read. It makes you look erudite. Post the name of a book you are reading in the sidebar, something like say, Nixonland by Rick Perlstein, but never change it. No one will notice.

3. Collect grievances. If you can’t find any, make them up. When you complain about something on your grievance list, don’t use specific quotations or link to anything. You don’t want anyone to find out that you made the whole thing up.

4. Post pictures of cute little animals. Include some videos of pets doing tricks with balloons.

5. Swear. If you are posting on a blog with a child-friendly rating, swear anyhow. The F-word is preferred, but talking about genital mutilation works as a standing joke. If you use the genital mutilation one, you have to pretend someone else on a different blog said it. See #3.

6. Ridicule other people. Especially fat people, people with unusual chromosomes, and children who have been sexually assaulted. Also women who have been abused or killed by their husbands and boyfriends. Then maybe the jerks you are so afraid might turn around and ridicule YOU will forget to do it as you egg them on to ridicule someone ELSE. (For some real doozies, see some of the comments Rumproasters left over at KPFT.) When people question you about why you were making fun of them, say you know they were having icky thoughts and they deserved it. Make and wear the special inverse tinfoil hat that amplifies other people’s thoughts so you know what they are thinking.

puma7. Don’t think of anything new of your own. Find a blog or two with creative writers and post long stretches of conversation from their forums. You can probably even create a whole new blog with them as the theme. You might call it something like

8. If you can’t think of a good argument against someone, claim they insulted you and go off in a snit.

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26 Responses to “Rumproast: the Eightfold Path”

  1. fsteele Says:

    “Make and wear the special inverse tinfoil hat that amplifies other people’s thoughts so you know what they are thinking.”

    A-ha! Lots of those going around, on all sides.

  2. Nijma Says:

    Lyle Zapato is the acknowledged master in the field. The research is indisputable. This is clearly superior to ordinary mind-reading or even to the crystal ball.

  3. Tom65 Says:

    Wow, that’s some impressive projection.

  4. Allan Says:

    Gee, that’s too bad. Over at RR the commenters frequently except Nijma from the general scorn they rightly hold for PUMAs, because she displays flashes of comprehension suggesting that the PUMA brainworm hasn’t completely eradicated her ability for critical thinking.

    We were looking forward to welcoming you to our fold when the anti-Muslim racist PUMAs eventually turn on you.

  5. Kerry Reid Says:

    #3. Like Amy Siskind being unable to offer any good reason to oppose Kim Gandy’s appointment to the Department of Labor, but claiming that she and her secret cabal of “prominent women” had access to SuperSekrit info that the unwashed PUMA masses didn’t? Or Darragh trying to make the case that Kentuckians dying in the recent ice storms is Obama’s fault, even though her “links” proved no such thing? (Comparing that situation to Katrina was extra-special.)

    #5. Genital mutilation? Oh, you mean like “Shoot their c***ks off?”

    #6. Making fun of other people? Oh, you mean like saying that Michelle Obama is “Scoop Mouth!”

    And Nijma is . . . wait for it . . . EPIC HYPOCRITICAL FAIL!

  6. Arky Says:

    Rumproast has a child-friendly rating? How in the name of the Purple Flying Unicorn did that happen?

    Ridicule other people.

    Tut-tut. You forgot to say this does not include drive by homophobia.

  7. StrangeAppar8us Says:

    Nijma, I had high hopes for you. But there seems to be no way to tease you away from your Republican, Muslim-hating friends who consider you an apologist and a traitor.

    Apply your 8-fold path to the PUMAs, and you’ll find that it is identical to the thing you despise.

    Nijma — You have the opportunity to be a *real* human being who is unconstrained by the petty, hateful groupism of the people you hang out with. You seem intelligent. Why linger on a Weblog where you are considered a traitor?

    And why endorse people who say things like this?:

    “Jeezus if only American women–and women worldwide–would seize the nearest p***s and twist it till the sun didn’t shine we might change this stupid old world…”.

    Nijma — Are you a p***s-cutter and a Muslim-hater and a Republican? Are you “cool” with people who are?

    I mean, Christ — how badly do you need friends that you are comfortable in a community of deranged criminals?

    ***edited -N

  8. theWatcher Says:

    I’m beginning to think that NIJMA is Jenni4hillary’s sock puppet, or maybe it’s the other way around? hmmmm…

    It must suck to be hated and despised by 1/2 the pumas while the others just tolerate you….good times.

    Oh yeah, before I forget…EPIC FAIL!

  9. Mrs. Polly Says:

    Nijma, all references to genital mutilation come from the sad, unchallenged, out-of-control rantings of “jenniforhillary”: 12.30.08 at 4:42 pm

    “Also, FOR THE F****ING RECORD–AL FRANKEN is A BIGGER PIG than BLAHBLAH please pumas read the NEWS….NO PUMA can suport Al Franken…he basically called Hillary a histerical c**** and her supporters the same for 1 year on AIR AMERICA….AL FRANKEN should have his pencil p***s removed sans pain medicine and left to bleed to death (does that say enough)….”

    I think it does say enough. And that is a thread you have seen, Nijma; you are all over it. It’s the one where you are attacked as a Muslim, by people who will never buy any explanation of where you really stand or the possibility that Muslims are not murderers en masse. They don’t want anything interfering with what they want to believe.
    If you go to RR, you’ll see posts on the State Secrets Act, the Stimulus package, music, war movies, Guantanamo. You’ll see Obama roundly criticized, defended, and criticized again. That is the exchange of ideas between people who have not staked out a position to be defended at all costs, but are trying to puzzle out a more complete view of what’s happening in this country.

    You might also notice that nobody at Rumproast is squeezing readers for money. Agitation for dollars is a Pumapac game. Jenniforhillary’s sexist, disturbed fantasies are given free reign, and Jenniforhillary gives generously, thousands of dollars. So Pumapac is following a familiar model: stoking fear and loathing, for money.

    Finally, if you were to bother researching, you would see that Rumproast has declared certain PUMAs who are undergoing personal troubles to be off-limits. While it’s impossible to completely control Internet commenters, that’s been pretty much adhered to.

    You have sometimes demonstrated an almost uncanny ability to diagnose what is wrong with PUMA, when applying your otherwise formidable observational talents to, say, people who are anti-Muslim. In particular, I remember you speaking of those who pre-select their belief, and then spend their time scouring for material to back it up.

    Look at the variety of opinion on Obama at Pumapac. What, no variety? OK, the variety of opinion on Hillary. What, none there either? Except for did she desert Women or not, by working for HIM? All right, look at the multiplicity of ideas in the comments colu—oh, that’s right. All the Puma blogs censor them.

    Yours is the only one that doesn’t. I especially like reading your entries from before you gave your heart to this cult-like organization. I am sorry that you can’t seem to find the perspective to break free.

    ****edited -N

  10. sean Says:

    Nijma — Attempts at actual dialogue have failed in the past, so I won’t bother. Let me just say that if you disagree with President Obama on some things, you can find better communities than PUMA: Krugman’s blog, MyDD, OpenLeft, TalkLeft, Digby’s place,…

  11. StrangeAppar8us Says:

    Truth — Nijma accuses the ‘Roasters of doing precisely what The Confluence and PumaPAC are famous for.

    She seems brighter than her Republican, Muslim-hating friends. But, apparently, she has a weird psychological need for abuse.

    Too bad. Rumproast is swimming in genius IQs — but we could always use a newcomer. I can only assume that Nijma is happy being a hated fish in a small pond. It’s a damn shame she doesn’t recognize a smack in the face when she gets one every time she posts.

    The future of Darragh’s Victim-World belongs to bmw60.

  12. Mrs. Polly Says:

    LOL, Nijma, you missed a word. I don’t mind if you bleep the anatomical curses; in fact if I ever sail in here again with more sizzling quotes from that sad quarter I’ll bleep them myself. Second paragraph of my comment, first paragraph of J4H’s awful, nightmare-inducing hateful scream. It should read “he basically called Hillary a histerical (sic) c***”. Get your asterisks in gear, there! Unless c*** is somehow less objectionable than p****?

  13. Nijma Says:

    Hi Rumpsters, just stopped by to take out the trash and sprinkle a few cleansing asterisks in case any Norwegian ten-year-olds drop by.

    Thanks for the hazmat alert Polly, I was trying to clean this up from work and then I realized–bad idea, it’s NSFW!!! Remind me to look for my King Hussein photos and post some for you–really I don’t know why you keep palling around with those losers.

    Back to work tomorrow so you Rumpsters will have to frolic by yourselves for a while. In the meantime, anyone who is still puzzled by my presence over at can check out my tell-all confessional, “Rumpster or Obot“. Then don’t forget to check out today’s Glenn Greenwald: “Obama and liberals: a counter-productive relationship”. He’s wordy as usual and doesn’t really get going until the middle paragraphs, but he’s right on target. Then be sure to enjoy some cute pet pictures; I’m sure your Fearless Leader will post some for you. I will be back much, much later to score the comments according to the eight-fold Rumpster spiritual progress scorecard (I’m afraid Rumpster spirituality is scored on a negative point system, but if you’re going to scoff at my horocope links and refuse to put me on your blogroll, what else can I do?).

    In the meantime I do believe the Rumpsters need some assistance with that ever burdensome reading list:

    Nijma is currently reading: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone by J.K. Rowling. Oh noes, 309 pages!!!!

  14. Kerry Reid Says:

    Well, Nijma, we don’t have a “fearless leader,” if by that you mean someone like Darragh who bilks money out of her followers and then fails to file the necessary FEC paperwork as legally required. Nor do we have anyone on any of the sites I frequent who “scrubs” or edits comments.

    Nor do we pal around with racist xenophobic lying conspiracy-mongerers. You know, your soul sisters in PUMA World. You’re known by the company you keep. Congratulations. You’re a racist delusional hypocritical piece of caca.

    Sorry, do I need to use asterisks for “caca?” For Warrior Women, you PUMAs sure are thin-skinned.

  15. Mrs. Polly Says:

    Nijma, I linked to Greenwald in my post on the State Secrets act. It’s the post with the picture of Justice putting her thumb on the scales.

    OMG, criticism of Teh Precious at RumpRoast???!!! Yes. As there has bee all along.

    But let’s go to a Magickal, Far-Away Land of Make-Believe:
    If Hillary Were Queen.
    If Hillary Were Queen, she’d be soooooo much more progressive than Oblahblah……even though she threatened to “obliterate” Iran.
    If Hillary Were Queen, Extraordinary Rendition Would Be a Thing of The Past………..Bill Clinton’s past, since he instituted it. remember?
    If Hillary Were Queen, Civil Liberties would, would, would—hey, wasn’t she the one who introduced a flag-burning amendment?
    If Hillary Were Queen, our foreign po—–and didn’t she vote for the war, which she still won’t admit was the wrong thing to do?

    So don’t even try the idea that Hillary would be a particle better than Obama on the things we are roasting him for. Much less Bomb Bomb Iran/I love Rape jokes Mccain and Sarah Belly of the Plane Palin.

    And actually, I can understand why you pal around with Pumapac: you can check your brain at the door, put on the Nobama uniform, and know that you don’t have to look into an uncertain future; Darragh will be glad to take your money and give you something to be angry about in that nice comfortable familiar way you all know so well by now.

    It’s a pity, though— as I can see from your pre-PUMA writing, it’s a good brain. And civvies really suit you better.

  16. The Eightfold PUMA Path « Stupid PUMAs! Says:

    […] on February 14, 2009 by bettycrackerfl Yetanotherfreakingbrit’s parody of this bit of PUMA dumb***ery deserves its own front page post: The Eightfold PUMA […]

    [***edited -N]

  17. Nijma Says:

    Some more friendly helpful advice for that ever burdensome Rumpster reading list:

    Nijma is currently reading: Gaudy Night by Dorothy L. Sayers. 501 pages. You can do it !!!!

  18. I Like Pistachios! Says:

    I am currently reading “I will NOT SUFFER” by jenniforhillary. It’s not even a page long, but it’s deeply disturbing. Some may call it a mystery:

    I am in a economy proof business, my parents have money, and I will NOT SUFFER. We have one year of food PLUS, we have our gardens, we have our weapons, our bullets, our network. We are prepared.

    That being said, I CANNOT WAIT for the suffering to begin. I hope there is starvation, I hope there is rioting, and i hope that there is massive death…

    WHY you ask? Because the spoiled rotten ingorant masses need to realize TRULY what they have done…and it appears (and MURPHY you are in my mind sometimes) from the SECOND election of GW that they learn REALLY REALLY SLOWLY…

    This man and his team are so dangerous for not only america, but the world, I can only hope that tremendous suffering will UP the learning curve so perhaps we can save ourselves…

  19. Kerry Reid Says:

    Funny, I was just looking up some of my favorite Dorothy Sayers quotes:

    She always says, my lord, that facts are like cows. If you look them in the face hard enough they generally run away.

    For “cows,” I think we could substitute PUMAs! Or is it that PUMAs run away from facts that stare them in the face? The fact that they are more like “200 strong” rather than “18 million strong” being the most salient. Still hilarious to read all the delusional posts from right before November 4 at PUMApac and the Effluence about “we’ll show THEM! HAKA ROAR!” Yes indeed you did. And we so enjoyed the hearty laughs at your completely predictable shock and disappointment that you don’t have the power to change the world through the force of bitter self-defeating irrational hatred.

    Very dangerous things, theories.

    Particularly “theories” such as “Obama isn’t a natural-born citizen and if we prowl the Electoral College, we can surely stop this thing! HAKA ROAR”

    A continual atmosphere of hectic passion is very trying if you haven’t got any of your own.

    So if, for instance, you live vicariously through an unhealthy identification with a female political candidate (who herself achieved her initial success vicariously through her husband’s achievements), rather than developing your own sense of empowerment on your own, you might be open to financial and emotional exploitation and a desperate search for approval from insane, bitter, delusional women who believe that an “atmosphere of hectic passion” is a sufficient substitute for coherent ideas and organizing skills.

  20. Kerry Reid Says:

    I prefer Irish: Pog Mo Th**n!

    [**edited -N]

  21. ulla the perky pink rose Says:

    nijma, when it comes to PUMAs, difficile est saturam non scribere!

  22. Kerry Reid Says:

    Thanks for fixing the Irish, Miss Prissy Powerless P****y Pants. Wouldn’t want the legions of native Irish speakers who read this to be offended.

    Now, back to the KKK (Krazy K***s for Klinton!) with you! How’s the c***-shooting in PUMAland today? (Before you “fix” this, you might want to consider that I’m speaking of badminton. Or birds.)

    Say, did you ever explain to Betty your hypocrisy over calling her out for “b****slap” while letting the Effluents use it freely? No? So you’re a hypocrite, a coward, and a loser.

    [***edited –N]
    [This blog’s child-friendly orientation was explained here #4. If you are asking this question, you are reading the wrong blog. -N]

  23. Kerry Reid Says:

    PUMAs aren’t children, dear. They’re brats.

    What’s wrong with the word “p****?” Don’t you belong to an organization named for p****? I stroke my p**** all the time. I have two p***** that greatly enjoy being stroked.

    By the way, that blog you are mocking is called “Stupid PUMAs.” Remind me again WHO is reading the wrong blog? And you’re the one asinine (hint — it sounds dirty, but isn’t!) enough to believe that you have the power to hyp-mo-tize people at that blog you deem to have “secret PUMA leanings,” though you can’t quite seem to bring yourself to “out” the Sisterhood of the Traveling Bats**** Orange Pantsuits.

    But do you ever stop to wonder why WORDS offend you so, when racism, xenophobia, genocidal fantasies, conspiracy-mongering, assassination wishes, and a whole host of other ugliness in PUMAland meets with your admiration?

    My guess is because you’re a sad hypocritical incoherent bowl of fail.

    [***edited. -N]

  24. brotherkomrade Says:

    We should stop posting here, she won’t answer the questions that point to her hypocrisy and the posts she says that will answer our questions do not do that at all. I’m thinking she just likes the attentions that she doesn’t get on the PUMA sites.

  25. StrangeAppar8us Says:

    True, brotherkomrade. Nijma cannot be taught by us…but she will eventually be instructed by her “friends,” with the same result.

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